Your Ex Boyfriend and the No Contact Rule: What You Need to Know

When relationships end, it hurts.

And when you're not even on speaking terms with your ex boyfriend after a breakup, it can really hurt.

But here's some good news for ladies who are feeling the pain of no contact. Even though the silence hurts, you can get through it.

And sometimes the no contact rule that's killing you right now is actually good for you. (Seriously.)

Here are some things you need to know about your ex boyfriend and the no contact rule after a breakup, like how to make the most of the distance, how long you should wait it out, and whether you'll ever be able to forget him.

What's the no contact rule?

It's a rule based on a simple idea: communication between exes should stop after the breakup. No texts. No emails. No late night phone calls about what went wrong. 

Pull the plug. Stop communicating.

Why go no contact? 

Unhealthy

Sometimes the reasons are manipulative. By withdrawing communication, one person believes, they can strike back at a person who cared for them. It can be really nasty when a dumper fluctuates between no contact and contact. So, they reach out to you one day, then they vanish for weeks afterwards.

It's like they're saying: I don't want you to move on with your life, but I don't want to be in your life either. 

Healthy

The rule shouldn't be used for manipulation. It should be a way to heal.

No contact is about getting emotional distance from a draining, hurtful, broken union. It's a way to clear your head and get over jerks who were never emotionally available.

In other words, it's not about seeking revenge on an ex. It's about you.

What should you when following the no contact rule?

Stay busy! Dive into hobbies that you have always wanted to try, but never gave a chance. Throw yourself into work or school. Learn a new skill. And even though it's probably not a great idea to enter straight into a serious relationship, there's nothing to say you can't go on a few dates and meet new people.

There's a huge world out there that has nothing to do with your ex. Enjoy it!

How long should no contact last?

This is a tricky question and, if I'm being honest, there is no right answer. It depends on so many variables: how long were you dating, why did it end, and how civil do you act towards each other?

Because the thing is, when you make contact with an ex, you can be opening a wound. Months of emotional healing can vanish after one hurtful phone call. (It sucks.)

So you have to consider that when deciding the right time for you. As a rule of thumb, start contact when you're emotionally prepared to cross that bridge. 

And please, only make contact if the relationship was fundamentally healthy! If your ex was abusive -- or if you were abusive to your ex -- let that ship sail. It's over. Move on. 

Will you ever forget him?

Let's say you have decided never to return to the relationship. It wasn't healthy, and you need out. Or maybe he is with someone new.

In that case, will you ever forget your ex?

Completely? Probably not. But will you move on? Yes!

When you're in love, that person holds such tremendous value that it's inconceivable living a life without them. But after some time, you'll notice something cool happening: You'll start functioning as an individual.

Sure, you may have done before, but not to this extent. You can finally figure out who you are, what you offer, and ways you want to improve yourself.

You'll realize once you get past your breakup: Wait a second! There are other men out there!

You'll get the exciting opportunity to re-learn a new person and to reveal all the awesome layers of you.

Final thoughts

The no contact rule shouldn't be about manipulation. It's not a game. 

It should be a way to put distance between you and your ex, which is an important step for all relationships that have come to a close, even more so if you were involved in a toxic partnership. 

It's your chance to thrive emotionally away from your ex boyfriend. 

It shouldn't be seen as a means of getting back with your ex. Instead, it's a way of coming into your own as an individual so that you're emotionally healthy for your next relationship, whether it is with a former flame or someone new.

How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend to Want You Back

Maybe your boyfriend broke up with you; perhaps you ended the relationship. Now, time has passed and you realize you want your ex back. But you can't just snap your fingers and start things over. You have to get your ex boyfriend to want you back. How can you make that happen?

I won't lie -- getting back together with something can be difficult, sometimes even impossible. But if you can pull it off and your relationship blossoms, it's worth it.

Give him space

Blowing up his phone every few minutes, or burying him in text messages isn't the way to go. Although it may seem strange, sometimes having no contact for a while can give him enough space to decompress.

Reflect on why you broke up

You've given him some space, which can be good for him, but is also good for you. It means you have time to distance yourself from this person and the emotionally-charged world of relationships.

In this neutral state, think back to some of the reasons you broke up. Did you two return to the same conflicts time and time again? Did your ex boyfriend often bring up the same complaints? Were these complaints justified and, if so, are you prepared to fix them?

These are all important issues to reflect on before trying to get back together. If you know which things are broken and why, and if you're prepared to fix them, then you stand a shot. If you want to start up things again without changing any part of your relationship, changes are you'll be exes again in no time.

Develop your friendship again

Successful relationships are often built on strong friendships. An excellent partner is also your best friend. After giving each other some space, ease into communication if your ex is open to it. Cultivate your friendship. Demonstrate to each other that you can be good friends, and in the process reveal all the cool things about each other that sparked the attraction in the first place. If you can't sustain a healthy friendship, your dating life will likely be unhealthy, too.

Stay busy

Don't focus all your energy on restarting your old relationship, though. That could make you come across as desperate, which may lower the chances of rekindling your romance. Stay invigorated and balanced by diving into work, school, clubs, or sports. Active, engaged people usually exude a bright, confident energy that is irresistible.

Be honest

It's been a few weeks, even months, since you broke up. You've given him some space, reflected on what went wrong, and developed independent interests. If you're still interesting in pursuing your romance -- and he seems like he may be open to the idea, too -- it's time to open up about what you want. Let him know how you feel.

Getting your ex boyfriend back can take time and patience. Remember, relationships take time to develop, so don't rush into old dating habits if you want to stand a good chance of keeping your boyfriend around for years to come.