The Challenges of Leaving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Leaving a person you love (or once loved) is a challenge. For many, moving on is even harder.

But leaving someone with borderline personality disorder? Very difficult!

Sure, some folks out there may get on just fine, many people claim that getting out of a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder is one of the most challenging things they have had to face.

Here are four challenges that can be unique to leaving someone with borderline personality disorder (otherwise known as BPD).

1. You may still want to help your ex. When someone is suffering, it is natural to want to help. And in the case of someone with BPD, they need assistance. But here's the thing: it can't be from you. And for a couple reasons.

First of all, if your partner hasn't pursued treatment, or not much, they need time (and visits to a psychologist / psychiatrist) to get things in order as an individual. They're not ready for a relationship.

Secondly, if you try anyway, you could get very hurt. Many suffering from borderline -- particularly if they haven't formed strategies for dealing with their symptoms -- can have cycles of being downright nasty and unwittingly manipulative to their loved ones, and for reasons beyond their control. (Not that it justifies it, but it makes things more complicated.) Sometimes you need to know when to protect yourself.

2. You may remember the good times (too much). The early days of relationship with someone with BPD are often idyllic. They seem wonderful. And you? They practically worship you. Even if you questioned their adoration, eventually you went along for the rise.

When the relationship ends, those loving, warm memories of early days can come back to haunt you. They block out the bad stuff, sometimes tempting you to return to a toxic relationship.

3. You might have to contend with the pain of knowing they hate you. People suffering from BPD struggle with intimacy, and often that means splitting a loved one black. In other words, it feels like you're being demonized by someone without really understanding why.

It sucks when someone hates you, but to not get the reasons behind it? To know that you haven't done anything that would qualify you for a circle in hell? It can be brutal!

4. You may struggle to put your finger on the truth. Alright, so truth is relative. It's one of those philosophical quandaries you can discuss for hours on end. But in many cases, you can form some version of the truth (up for review, of course) without tearing your hair out.

Reflecting on a relationship with a borderline doesn't afford that privilege. You don't want to completely dismiss everything about your partner -- it would be reductionist to assume everything they said or did was untrue or shaped by BPD -- but it can be tough to figure out what the heck just happened in your relationship (or your life).

These issues are just the tip of the iceberg. You will likely encounter a laundry list of challenges when leaving someone with borderline personality disorder. However, no matter how challenging it may get, there are plenty of people who have walked this path before you. With perseverance and guidance, you can make it through!

Your Ex Boyfriend and the No Contact Rule: What You Need to Know

When relationships end, it hurts.

And when you're not even on speaking terms with your ex boyfriend after a breakup, it can really hurt.

But here's some good news for ladies who are feeling the pain of no contact. Even though the silence hurts, you can get through it.

And sometimes the no contact rule that's killing you right now is actually good for you. (Seriously.)

Here are some things you need to know about your ex boyfriend and the no contact rule after a breakup, like how to make the most of the distance, how long you should wait it out, and whether you'll ever be able to forget him.

What's the no contact rule?

It's a rule based on a simple idea: communication between exes should stop after the breakup. No texts. No emails. No late night phone calls about what went wrong. 

Pull the plug. Stop communicating.

Why go no contact? 

Unhealthy

Sometimes the reasons are manipulative. By withdrawing communication, one person believes, they can strike back at a person who cared for them. It can be really nasty when a dumper fluctuates between no contact and contact. So, they reach out to you one day, then they vanish for weeks afterwards.

It's like they're saying: I don't want you to move on with your life, but I don't want to be in your life either. 

Healthy

The rule shouldn't be used for manipulation. It should be a way to heal.

No contact is about getting emotional distance from a draining, hurtful, broken union. It's a way to clear your head and get over jerks who were never emotionally available.

In other words, it's not about seeking revenge on an ex. It's about you.

What should you when following the no contact rule?

Stay busy! Dive into hobbies that you have always wanted to try, but never gave a chance. Throw yourself into work or school. Learn a new skill. And even though it's probably not a great idea to enter straight into a serious relationship, there's nothing to say you can't go on a few dates and meet new people.

There's a huge world out there that has nothing to do with your ex. Enjoy it!

How long should no contact last?

This is a tricky question and, if I'm being honest, there is no right answer. It depends on so many variables: how long were you dating, why did it end, and how civil do you act towards each other?

Because the thing is, when you make contact with an ex, you can be opening a wound. Months of emotional healing can vanish after one hurtful phone call. (It sucks.)

So you have to consider that when deciding the right time for you. As a rule of thumb, start contact when you're emotionally prepared to cross that bridge. 

And please, only make contact if the relationship was fundamentally healthy! If your ex was abusive -- or if you were abusive to your ex -- let that ship sail. It's over. Move on. 

Will you ever forget him?

Let's say you have decided never to return to the relationship. It wasn't healthy, and you need out. Or maybe he is with someone new.

In that case, will you ever forget your ex?

Completely? Probably not. But will you move on? Yes!

When you're in love, that person holds such tremendous value that it's inconceivable living a life without them. But after some time, you'll notice something cool happening: You'll start functioning as an individual.

Sure, you may have done before, but not to this extent. You can finally figure out who you are, what you offer, and ways you want to improve yourself.

You'll realize once you get past your breakup: Wait a second! There are other men out there!

You'll get the exciting opportunity to re-learn a new person and to reveal all the awesome layers of you.

Final thoughts

The no contact rule shouldn't be about manipulation. It's not a game. 

It should be a way to put distance between you and your ex, which is an important step for all relationships that have come to a close, even more so if you were involved in a toxic partnership. 

It's your chance to thrive emotionally away from your ex boyfriend. 

It shouldn't be seen as a means of getting back with your ex. Instead, it's a way of coming into your own as an individual so that you're emotionally healthy for your next relationship, whether it is with a former flame or someone new.