Should I Call My Long Distance Ex?

You tried a long distance relationship and it didn't work out. Maybe you ended it; maybe your ex did.

Now you're in the rubble of a failed relationship and you're getting the urge to reach out to your former partner. Questions are springing to mind, like: Should I call my long distance ex?

Before you pick up the phone, read on to learn when calling a long distance ex is OK and when it's bad, bad idea.

Good reasons to call your long distance ex

1. You want to get back with them -- If you initiated the breakup and now you're realizing that it was a huge mistake, you need to do some damage control, pronto. Get in touch (if they'll let you) and try to ease back into a friendship with this person. Don't pressure them; don't jump in too fast. You broke up with them, remember? They're still healing.

This advice only applies to good people who made a bad decisions. Serial off-and-on daters who have ended relationships (and got back together) more than they can count on one hand need to step back to deal with their own issues before they bring someone else into their lives.

2. The split was mutual, but you still didn't take it well -- Let's say you had a pretty healthy relationship but the distance was too much. You didn't have enough time or money to see each other with any kind of regularity and your careers seemed to be splitting into polarized directions. You both saw the issues and decided to end it.

In the hurt of losing a relationship that you cherished, even though you knew it was impossible it was to sustain at this time, you started acting out. You may have even been a bit mean. It was out of character and you're embarrassed.

In that case, sure, call them up. Clear the air. Stay on good terms.

Bad reasons to call your long distance ex

1. You're lonely -- Hearing their voice may temporarily ease the loneliness but you will only feel it 100x worse once you've ended the call! Go out with friends instead!

2. You want to get back at them -- Not with them, but at them. Your pain from the breakup is raw, and perhaps you're reflecting on all the messed up stuff they did to you. You want to make them hurt, too.

Don't.

Channel your energy somewhere else. Don't even give them the benefit of knowing you're even thinking about them, negatively or otherwise.

The best revenge is living a full, happy life. Live it!

3. You want to be friends... but you're still in love with them -- It's so difficult to start friendships with someone you once loved, or whom you still love. Any gains you get from their companionship in phone conversations will probably be undermined by the constant reminders that your ex is moving on with their life, probably dating other people.

It'll suck. Don't resume friendship until you're over them.

4. You want to be friends, but they're still in love with you -- Maybe you've moved on and you still quite like having your ex in the picture. You have fun conversations and they know you so well. It's good to have them in your corner.

But if you know they're still in love with you, it's mean to drag their post-breakup healing out, especially if you still flirt a bit. You don't have to go fully no contact, but don't give your ex false hope -- that's not cool.

Recap

Sometimes calling a long distance ex is OK. If breaking up was a terrible idea, you need to get in touch to make it right. Just don't rush into anything. And even if you don't want to get back together, there are some occasions where you may want to clear the air and apologize for any bad, disrespectful behavior on your part.

However, for most people, the answer to Should I call my long distance ex? is No!

Dating Tips for Men: Landing a First Date

For many men, the idea of asking a woman out is nothing short of terrifying. It can make even the bravest men nervous. There is no reason getting a date should be stressful, though. 

Here is how to make it happen.

1.      Remember that women are not from a different planet. Some men approach women like they are from Venus, while men are from Mars. If you want to improve your dating game, toss that divisive mentality aside. When you talk to a woman, you are not talking to the equivalent of an alien. There may be differences between the two of you, as is the case with any person you talk to you, but there are also bound to be a number of similarities. Focus on what you share, not what separates you.

2.      Stop stressing about rejection. Dating is a process. For most people, finding the right person takes hundreds, even thousands, of dates. Incompatibilities arise, life factors force people to take different paths, and feelings change. The sooner you make peace with the fact things might go differently than you originally planned, the better your experience with dating is likely to be.

3.      Get on her radar. Some men are suave and lucky enough to approach a woman out of the blue and get a date out of it, but most women would be pretty stunned by someone so forward. If you are interested in a woman who you see fairly regularly, it is better to get on her radar first. Pay her extra attention, but don't get stuck in a faux-boyfriend role, either. Eventually, check her marital status by asking a question about her husband or boyfriend. She'll get what you're hinting at.

4.      Learn her interests. If you have paid more attention to her than others, fished out her single status, and she still seems warm to you, chances are she is at least somewhat interested. Now it is time to learn about her interests. You will be able to use this information when you ask her out. You have to be careful not to stay in this stage for too long. The longer you act like a platonic friend, the more likely it is that she will only view you that way.

5.      Just do it – ask her out. If the woman you are interested in seems to enjoy your company and is openly available, ask her out. Ask over the phone or, better still, ask her in person. Avoid text messages and e-mail, since most people find them to be impersonal. Keep your question short and simple. Suggest that the two of you do something that you know she would like based on the conversations you held earlier about her interests. Offer a specific time and date. If you leave the question open-ended, you will only have to reinitiate the question sometime in the future.

One of the worst things you can do in the dating game is to anguish over circumstances that are not in your control. With dating, you cannot control another person’s feelings. What you can do, however, is make sure the woman you are attracted to feels comfortable around you and that she is single. If both those things apply, go for it. Ask her out.  

5 Signs Your Ex Doesn’t Want You Back

Breaking up is difficult, and it’s even worse when you still want to be with your ex. While some couples do manage to rekindle their romance, there is also a chance that your former significant other doesn’t want you back, however hurtful that may feel. Usually, people will exhibit signs that show the relationship is over in their eyes. Before trying to get back a former flame, you need to figure out whether this person would even be open to dating you again.

Your ex probably doesn’t want you back if he or she:

1.  Tries to cut off all ties. This is one of the most obvious signs. If you never hear from your ex, not even when you’ve tried to make contact, that person is likely trying to move on from the situation. Some people may be tempted to read into cutting ties as an act that, somehow, is actually a sign your ex is still yearning for you. While there may be odd cases where people’s actions are wildly different from their intentions, you should take the sudden distance for what it is: someone taking steps to be less close to you than she or she once was.

2.   Responds to you with less urgency. Think about how reliably your ex got back to you when he or she was your partner. If the time between e-mails, texts, and phone calls is much more drawn out now, you’re getting a clear sign that you’re no longer a priority. You should also consider the methods used to get in touch with you. If lengthy phone conversations were a staple of your past, but now you’re only getting brief texts or e-mails, it’s a sign your ex wants to keep things more impersonal than they once were.

3.   Only communicates about professional and financial matters. Sometimes couples who have been together for a long time have many entanglements that don’t just vanish once the relationship is over. They may own property, for example, or perhaps even share a business. In these cases, it makes sense that your ex would reach out promptly and courteously about these matters. However, if your ex stops the conversation once it turns personal, he or she probably doesn’t want you back.

4.   Avoids topics related to your past. Some people may be comfortable keeping an ex around as a friend, but chances are they’ll keep the conversations light and platonic. If your ex squirms whenever you try to bring up your prior romantic relationship, or immediately changes the subject, that’s a sign he or she is trying to get beyond that part of the past.

5.   Has a new love interest. Rebounding does happen, where forlorn lovers rush into the arms of the first person who shows them affection. However, if your ex is with someone with whom they appear happy, you have to face the facts: you’re not going to get your ex back. That person has moved on; it’s probably best for you to try to do the same.

Moving on from a relationship can be difficult, especially when you’re still into your ex. It’s emotionally draining, though, to remain invested in someone who doesn’t want you back. If your former partner is showing signs that they are moving on, you should try to do the same.